Chapter Thirteen

Dear Diary,

I’m not quite sure what the purpose of this journal is anymore. I’ve frantically scribbled on pages and pages with vital information for my article, but now it all seems so useless. I would be lying to myself if I said I wanted to trash the whole thing. I’m not quiet sure how things with Nolan will turn out. Am I falling victim to temporary feelings or do I actually think this might go somewhere? I guess time will tell. Until then I still have two more questions to finish this shit.

I closed my notebook and laid back on my bed. Nolan and I had stopped at a bed and breakfast earlier this morning. We decided to stay in separate rooms, as we had been doing most of the trip, so we could really understand where our feelings lied. 

There was another couple staying here that we briefly met after checking in. They were celebrating their forty year wedding anniversary. I could have sworn they were on their honeymoon by the way their bodies spoke to one another. 

It’s been a couple of hours now and I still haven’t heard from Nolan. There hasn’t been a knock on my door or a ring on my phone. I figured he was cooped away like I was, afraid to make the first move. I couldn’t quiet understand what was going on. Internally, I mean. I had suddenly found myself attracted to him, nervous to let him know, calm when we finally kissed, and now? Now, I was worried. 

I kept trying to tell myself I was feeling weird because I hadn’t been in this situation in…well let’s not count numbers, but it definitely had been some time. I hadn’t let myself feel any emotions towards the opposite sex and now here I was completely engulfed. Did it scare me even more that this was happening in the moment of time when my life rapidly tumbling down hill?  Of course it did. But, maybe this was what I needed to keep my mind off of reality for the time being. 

I guess my problem was that I kept imagining the bigger picture. What would life be like with Nolan after this trip was over? I honestly couldn’t tell you, but I sure as hell had a million and one scenarios of our future already planned in my head. Ugh, the struggles of being female.

A long continuous stream of air filled my lungs as my eyes shut. I kept it trapped within my lungs before gently pushing it out through my nostrils. Just a subtle reminder that I needed to forget about the future and focus on what was happening now. 

My eyes blinked open and I sprung out of bed. I remembered seeing a small library nook as we walked into the bed and breakfast. Maybe I could indulge myself in a book and stop my mind from wandering. 

It was a little strange to see the place so empty. Then again, we were out in the middle of nowhere. I’d never really experienced a real bed and breakfast. It was just like staying in someone’s home, only with a waiting staff. The place was nice and cozy and the Tudor-style architecture really added to it’s charm. 

I walked down the stairs, admiring the intricate carvings on the wooden rails, and around the corner into the library nook. It wasn’t much, just three tall shelves with a sign that read, “TRADING BOOKS IS WELCOMED AS WELL AS DONATIONS. PLEASE ENJOY!”

My fingers ran down the binding of the books as I tried to find one I’d be interested in. I stopped abruptly when I noticed a sequel to a book Celeste had at her coffee shop. I pulled it out, making sure no one had walked into the room, and hid the cover with my hand. It was one of those gushy chick lit books that I would be too humiliated to actually admit I’ve read. 

I snuggled into the window bench and flipped open the book.

My mind was completely lost in this fictional world that I hadn’t even noticed someone walk into the room.

“Hi,” Nolan’s voice carried in from the doorway. I shut the book, held my hand over the cover, and sat up straight. He smiled as he walked over to me, entertained by my unusual behavior. 

“Hey,” I smiled back. My hand crept slowly as I tried to push the book between my leg and the wall.

The skin between his eyes wrinkled as he squinted. “Is there a reason you always hide the book you’re reading when you see me?” The tension from his face released as he let out a slight laugh. 

He stood with his arms crossed leaning against the post. I exhaled, dropping my chest in defeat, as I picked up the book. “I was embarrassed that you might judge me.”

Nolan walked over, arms still folded, before he reached forward and took the book from my hands. His lips curled in as he examined it. “Why would I judge you for reading this?” He flipped it over to the back. “Isn’t it targeted for women?”

“Well, yeah, but…” He had me there. 

“But, you just want to seem like one of those smart girls who only reads smart books?” He raised his eyebrow with a smirk on his face as he handed it back to me.

“I guess.” I laughed as I shook my head with relief. I was so conceived with the idea of how I was portrayed that I’d let an unreal persona take over. I’d eventually grown adjusted to it hoping people would take me more seriously and that’s where I’d lost myself. It was in between those short words that I realized Nolan saw through the whole act. He saw me for me, something no one had ever really done before, not even Celeste. 

“My best friend in L.A owned a coffee shop that I would go to everyday to work on my writing. She was always bringing in new books to stock up the shop with. It was still the beginning of our friendship, so we were just starting to learn about each other.” I held up the book “She said this series was one of her absolute favorites. I put on this whole charades about how it was garbage and that I’d never waste my time reading it. I think I acted that way because up until that point she’d only handed me non-fictional pieces about the economy and government, and well, you know, ‘smart’ stuff. That’s the validation I wanted when I left home after college and I wanted to do whatever it took to stick with it. Meanwhile, I read a few pages which turned into chapters and before I knew it was finished.”

“Let me guess,” Nolan sat on the cushioned window bench next to me. “You loved it.”

“I did.” I nodded my head as I laughed. “I loved it so much I wanted to keep reading the rest of the series. Of course, I couldn’t admit it to her…”

“Of course.” Nolan jokingly mocked.

“She only had the first book of the series so I was never able to get my hands on the rest until now.”

“You didn’t think to go to the library?” 

“They have those in L.A?” I asked sarcastically.

“Touche.” Nolan’s shoulder bumped against mine. “I think you’re a pretty smart girl regardless.”

A tingling sensation erupted on the corners of my lips causing a cheesy grin.

“I mean, you have done some questionable things since I’ve met you, but still a smart girl.” He teased. 

“The only questionable thing I’ve done is fall for this whole scheme of yours.” I smiled as I bumped my shoulder against Nolan’s before I stood up.

He grabbed my hand to stop me. “You mean your whole scheme.”

“Oh, come on.” I laughed. “You totally knew this was going to happen when you saw a poor young lady parked on the side of the road.”

“Bless your heart.” Nolan said as he emphasized a heavy Southern accent. He tugged my arm and suddenly my hands were on his shoulders as he looked up at me. “I was just being the gentleman I was raised to be.” The air filled with silence as we looked into each other’s eyes. Neither one of us was capable of continuing the conversation and the realization made us laugh nervously. 

Our attention diverted to the shuffling of footsteps coming down the stairs. I pulled away from Nolan and grabbed the book. I didn’t want whoever was coming to see Nolan and I having an intimate moment. I walked back to the shelf to put the book away when the couple from earlier walked in.

“Oh, hey, you two.” The woman smiled at us as she rummaged through her bag. Her blonde hair was done up exposing the string of pearls laced around her neck. She pulled out a perfume bottom and spritz herself causing the room to smell of sandalwood. 

“We were just headed out to have lunch at the country club. Would you two like to join us?”

Nolan and I looked at each other and shrugged. “Sure, why not.” 

“Great! I’m Marty, by the way, and this is my wife Jean.” They held out their hands.

After we all introduced ourselves we headed back upstairs to get ready before going to the country club.

Even though it was quiet a distance away from the bed and breakfast, Marty and Jean had so much to talk about that we didn’t even realize the time passing. After lunch Marty and Nolan decided to play golf while Jean and I enjoyed some sweet tea and lemonade as we watched. 

“So, why aren’t you two together?” She looked at me from the corner of her eye with a grin on her face.

I blushed. “We’re trying to figure it out. We’ve just barely met. Besides he lives down South and I live up North.”

“And…” She waited for me to finish.

“And…long distance wouldn't work.” I shrugged.

She let out a single, “ha!” before she took another sip of her tea. “You think opposite directions on the same coast is far? Marty and I dated while he was in Seattle and I was in Florida. Our fathers both came to this very country club for a big golf tournament and that’s when we met. We'd only spent the three day weekend with each other before we had to go back home.”

“Wow,” I looked at her amazed. “So this is where it started.”

“Exactly. And we didn’t let a little distance get in the way. You kids now and days are just about your iPhones and social media and everything has to be here and now.” She leaned in close as she continued. “There’s a strong energy around the both of you. I wouldn’t just pass on this opportunity because of distance if I were you, darling.”

She rocked back into her chair when Marty and Nolan walked over to us. Marty decided to sit out for a few rounds, so Nolan took me around the course to teach me how to play. Maybe it was because of how terrible I was, but by the time we made it through the entire course the sun had already set. We decided to stay for dinner and enjoyed a few drinks before. Marty and Jean had a lot of friends there that kept us busy. It was late by the time we made it to the bed and breakfast.

Nolan and I stood outside of his room. A single goodnight kiss lead to many more. He opened his door gesturing for me to come inside, but I pulled away. “I…I think we should wait, you know, when we’re sober.”

“You’re right.” Nolan agreed. “I’m sorry.”

I left back to my room to get ready for bed. I’d left a huge mess earlier and decided to clean it up before I fell asleep. As I crawled into bed I felt something hard beneath the sheets. I rolled over to find 21 Questions. I must have forgotten to put it back earlier. The edge of my thumb flipped through the pages causing a gust of air to blow on my face. It made me think back to when Nolan and I were hiking in the park a few days ago and how he tucked my hair behind my ear. 

Jean might have been on to something. The more I was getting to know Nolan, the more I liked him. I shouldn’t let some stupid book ruin everything. I hopped out of my bed, grabbed the book, and tip toed out of my room. One step at a time, I stealthily walked down the creaky stairs and into the library nook. My eyes skimmed through the rows until I found the book I’d been reading earlier. I pulled it out and replaced it with 21 Questions. It felt liberating. Almost as if I were choosing to leave the heavy weight of guilt behind. 

I smiled as I clenched the book to my chest and tip toed back to my room.

Chapter Twelve

“Look, it’s really hard for me to muster up the words to say this, but you were right.” I breathed heavily into the phone as my hand cupped my mouth. “I like him, okay?” I paused for a second as I looked over my shoulder. “We kissed and it made things even more complicated for me and I have no idea what I’m suppose to do now. Oh, and please don’t call me back saying, ‘I told you so.”

It was three in the morning and I knew Celeste was sleeping, but I still called her anyway. A few times, actually. Of course she didn’t pick up so I resorted to leaving her a voicemail. 

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and paced in front of Nolan’s truck. After the carnival we had set back on the road. I remember Nolan driving and holding my hand as I fell asleep on his shoulder. I hadn’t realized we stopped until I woke up and saw him inside an overly-lit convenient store. That’s when I jumped out to call Celeste. 

“You’re awake.” Nolan smiled as he walked out of the store. He was a little too cheerful for this time of night.

“Oh,” I ran my fingers through my hair to make sure I looked presentable. “Yeah, sorry. I guess I was a little more tired than I thought.”

Without any hesitation Nolan’s arm rested around my shoulders and we began walking together. “Don’t apologize.” He laughed. “To tell you the truth, I’m kinda lagging too.” He held up a can of energy drink. “That’s why I had to stop and get this.” Nolan could tell by my half smile that I was feeling uneasy about something. “You want me to grab you something?” He asked as he pointed back at the store.

“No, no.” 

“Are you sure? We’re pretty far from civilization so speak now or forever hold your peace!”

My eyes widened when I felt my pocket vibrate. Celeste was calling me back. I needed to get rid of Nolan so I could talk to her. I looked back inside the store to see a long line at the register. “Actually, now that you mention it, maybe you should grab a few snacks for the ride?”

“Sure. Which ones?”

I smiled as I opened the car door and sat inside. “Surprise me.”

I watched Nolan walk a good twenty feet away before I answered Celeste’s call. “Hello?” A high pitched squeal pierced through the phone. I let out a deep sigh. 

“Okay, so fill me in. What happened between the last time we talked and you swore you didn’t like him and now.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know, Celeste. I let down my guard for too long and it just kinda happened.”

“Jesus, I’ve only spent so many years trying to get you to put your guard down and this guy does it in a matter of days.” She laughed. “Well, at least now you’re being honest with yourself.”

“Yeah, real honest. I’m using a guy to research the theory of a world renowned Psychologist who wrote a book about how to make your partner fall in love with you only to eventually leave him and write an article to further my career.” I smacked my palm onto my forehead. “What am I doing?”

“How many more questions do you have?” 

I took a deep breath to calm myself. “I don’t know, like, two more.” 

“So essentially the theory worked.”

“Yeah, unfortunately in more ways than one.” I rolled my eyes. 

“That’s great. That’s all we wanted to know. Alexander Nottingham was right. The most stubborn woman on earth was able to connect to another human life.“ I laughed at Celeste’s description of me. “I say forget the article. Take it slow and enjoy the moment. Maybe you’ll have better luck and find work on the East Coast and you won’t even have to write the damn article.”

“You know this is literally everything I’m against. A love life over a career.”

“I hate to hit you with reality, but one of those things didn’t quiet work out. You need to give the other a try.” 

“Wow, Celeste.” I was speechless. That was the first time Celeste had ever even remotely sounded so harsh.

“Sorry, not sorry. You know I’m right. You even said it in your voicemail. I have it as proof and I’m going to keep it forever to rub in your face.” We both laughed at her sudden change in character.

“I kinda like this alter ego.” 

A few minutes after we hung up Nolan came back to the car with a bag of goodies. “I didn’t know which one you’d like, so I grabbed one of each.” 

A smile crept onto my face as I thought about how I actually didn’t want any of them. “That was so sweet. Thank you.”

We headed back on our way again. It was almost spooky how dark it was outside. There weren’t any street lights and the tall trees lining the two-way road blocked out most of the moonlight.

The lack of visuals gave me a moment to get lost in my thoughts. I kept replaying the moment just before Nolan and I kissed and the moment right after. I didn’t feel anything other than happiness. I wasn’t even thinking of anything at that moment and now suddenly the feels came pouring in. Celeste was right. I needed to scrap this whole thing. It was way more important that I was, for once, tuned in with my emotions and not lying to myself. 

“You’re really staring hard out there.” Nolan laughed as he looked at me. His eyes shot ahead to where my gaze was set. “Are you seeing something that I’m not?”

I snapped back to reality. “No, there’s nothing. I was just memorized by the darkness.” I looked down to see our hands intertwined once again. Maybe I was new to this whole thing, but it felt so weird that we kept unconsciously linking ourselves to one another without knowing where either one stood. “I know this might not be the best time to talk about it, but…”

Before I could say anything more Nolan held up our hands, “but, what’s going on here?”

My eyebrow twitched as I smiled. “How’d you know?”

“I saw you staring.” He waited a few seconds before he continued. “I…I don’t know. I thought you were one of those pretty chicks that’s actually crazy when I first met you.” He said jokingly. “But then you started to grow on me and now I kinda like you.” He shrugged.

“Oh, wow, how very romantic of you.” I teased. “It just kinda sucks, you know? Just when we both started to like each other the trip is almost coming to an end.”

Silence filled the car once again. The realization of not knowing what could be was obviously on both of our minds. Nolan leaned his elbow on the middle console. “Hey,” he whispered for my attention. I turned over my shoulder to meet his nose with mine. Our eyes locked for a brief second before we kissed. 

It was quick, but just what I needed in that moment to calm my nerves. Nolan’s attention diverted back to the empty road ahead of him. I watched through the corner of my eyes as his chest rose and fell with each deep breath. 

There wasn’t much either one of us could promise the other. With each passing minute I felt my eyes become heavier and heavier. 

I felt the car roll to a stop when my eyes shot open. It was like I had only closed them for a moment, but the sign of dawn breaking proved otherwise. “Where are we?” I asked as I stretched my arms. I looked around to an unfamiliar sight. We were parked off the side of the road. The path ahead split into two. 

“We need to go right to go home.”

“Okay.” I looked at Nolan confused. “So, go right.”

“But, I thought a lot about what you said and you’re right. I can’t take you home without knowing where things are going between us.”

“Okay.” I straightened my posture as I waited for Nolan to finish his thought.

“I saw a sign for a bed and breakfast a few miles back. If we turn left we can spend a day, or two, with each other without any distractions.” He looked at my expressionless face and hesitated. “I don’t know, I was thinking I could push my last meeting back and.." His hesitation grew into anxiousness at my lack of a response. He laughed uneasily, "I don't know what's gotten into me. I sound crazy. Maybe you’re just rubbing off on me.” He tried to joke to lighten the mood. His hand reached for the gear and shifted into drive. 

“Turn left.”

Nolan looked over at me with furrowed brows. “Really?”

“Really.”

Chapter Eleven

I was anxiously pacing back and forth in our hotel bathroom rehearsing how I would act in front of Nolan. 

I stopped in front of the mirror and straddled my hands over the sink. My wrists were turning a pale white from the pressure of my tight grip. The color rushed back as I stared in the mirror, took a deep breath, and relaxed. 

My eyes drifted off into space and suddenly I was reliving the night before. Nolan and I were snuggled up on top of a hill counting stars. My heart was racing when he pulled me in closer for warmth. Maybe I was the one starting to form these feelings, but Nolan was the one to lean in and kiss me on my forehead. It just complicated everything. Was he trying to tell me that he liked me? He knew I was having a rough day. That could have easily been his way of comforting me. A strange and confusing way nonetheless. 

There was no way I was going to guilt myself into not writing this article. With each passing day I was gathering more and more information and it was actually turning into something. Something good. The only way this would work is if I stayed unattached.

“This is just an experiment.” I whispered as I stared at myself in the mirror. I turned on the cold water and splashed it over my face.

There was a knock on the hotel room door. I wiped myself off with a towel and threw on my robe. 

“Hey, there’s a pretty nice breakfast buffet downstairs. You wanna go grab something to eat?” Nolan asked as he stood in the doorway of our connecting room. I was half way hidden behind the door. His eyes slowly trailed down to my robe. “I’m so sorry. Do you need a minute?” He asked as he turned back into his room. 

“Yeah, no, sorry.” I closed the door a little as I spoke through the crack. “Breakfast sounds good. I’ll be down there in a minute.” I shut the door and leaned my back against it. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that a part of me wanted him to come into my room and whisk me away. 

I knew the only thing that would help me was writing it out. I jumped onto my bed and pulled out my notebook and pen. 

Dear Diary,

 I don’t like Nolan. I’m strictly doing this for an article. 

I tapped my pen rapidly as I tried to come up with things I could write that would make me believe them. 

He is absolutely not my type. He runs away from his problems and is afraid to settle. No wonder he chose to stick with his family business. It’s just a viable excuse to be like his mother.

I held the pen over my last sentence. It was pretty mean and so unlike me. I wanted to scratch it out. I’d taken it a little too far, but writing it did calm the butterflies in my stomach. I hesitated before I dropped my pen and closed my notebook. 

I quickly got dressed and headed downstairs. Nolan was sitting at a table waiting for me. I took another deep breath before I approached him and convinced myself that I was ready to hear what he had to say about the night before.

“Are you ready to eat?” He asked as he stood up from his chair. He was completely uninterested in my presence and more intrigued by the fresh pancakes the chef in the dining hall was making.

It was just a comforting kiss nothing more, Harper. A smile stretched across my face as I realized I was reading way too deep into the whole thing. 

Nolan didn’t mention anything about the night before. Not at breakfast or on our drive over to the next city. It was almost a little worrying. This whole time I was assuming the questions were working, but by his lack of attention I really wasn’t sure anymore. 

It was late in the afternoon when we finally pulled over to get gas. I stepped out of the truck to stretch my legs as I waited for Nolan. It was a hipster neighborhood surrounded by a lively city. I wasn’t sure where we were exactly, but it was beautifully busy. 

“Harp!” Nolan shouted from the distance. I looked over to see him gesturing for me to come back. 

He stood next to his truck as he waited. I made a slow jog over when I heard cheers and muffled lullaby-like music from the distance. I looked around to see where it was coming from, but there was nothing in sight. “Do you hear that?” I asked Nolan.

He looked around confused as to what I was hearing. “What exactly?”

“Listen.” We stood quietly for a minute before the screams came from the distance again.

We exchanged the same dumbfounded expression. Nolan turned around to figure out where the noise was coming from. There was nothing in our immediate view. We heard the noise again. This time it was obviously coming from the other side of the gas station. We walked around the back of the building to find a carnival set up in an empty mall parking lot across the highway. 

“It’s a kiddie fair.” Nolan exhaled. “Thank God, I was starting to think we were going crazy.” He laughed as he spun himself around and began walking back to his truck. “Come on, we’re in the homestretch!” 

I stood eerily still when I heard his words. I couldn’t believe our journey was almost coming to an end. This whole trip I thought Nolan was going to fall head over heels for me and that I’d be the one to leave him behind. It wasn’t like that at all. Instead I was battling my feelings and denying that each of his answers to my questions were only drawing me closer. I was desperately trying to find any distraction I could to spend a few moments with him, not because of this stupid article, but because for once I was finally starting to realize that each moment I’ve spent with Nolan so far has been better than any other moment in my life.

Nolan turned around when he noticed I wasn’t walking next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Let’s go.” I nudged my head back.

“To the kiddie fair?” He gave me a questionable look before he shook his head. “No, no, no, no.”

“Why not? You said we’re almost home, didn’t you? What’s an hour, tops, at the fair going to do?”

He looked down at his watch before slipping his hand behind his head. He grazed over his hair and rubbed the back of his neck as he exhaled, “fine. One hour. Anything longer is going to throw us off track.”

We jumped into Nolan’s truck and headed over the highway to the carnival. It seemed a lot cooler from where we were standing earlier. As we walked up to the gate I realized that Nolan was right. It was geared towards children, or anyone under five foot tall for that matter. 

Nolan gave me a look as if to ask if we were really going to do this. I smiled as I took the tickets from the attendant and pranced through the gates. 

We started off with bumper cars. They were so tiny that I just barely fit inside. Nolan on the other hand was jammed up against his steering wheel with his knees towering out the sides of his car. The other children in the rink and I decided he was an easy target and we made it our mission to solely bump his car around until he’d lost full control. From there we went on one spinning ride to the next. Of course being a children’s ride it didn’t go faster than five miles per hour, but the amusement was more in our uncontrollable laughter at how ridiculous this whole thing was.

We played some of the carnival games and won so many times that the carnival workers refused to give us our prizes. Something about how the games were designed for children to win and that it was unfair of us to sweep them clean. So, we unwillingly donated them all back and grabbed a stick of cotton candy instead. 

“Okay, I’m not gonna lie.” Nolan said as we sat down at a picnic table. “Despite the sizing issue, this was actually kinda fun.” 

I plucked off a piece of cotton candy and let it melt in my mouth. “It’s just one more adventure we can add to our list.” 

“This has been an adventure, hasn’t it?” Nolan asked himself out loud. 

“Isn’t that what you said when we first met? You travel by road in hopes to take the wrong turn.”

Nolan laughed. He ate a piece of cotton candy and then laughed again. “Well, that isn’t entirely the reason. I’m actually afraid of flying.” His cheeked flushed pink as he admitted it. 

I sat quietly as I stared at him. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s not exactly something you share right off the bat.” He shook his head. “But, when I was younger I fell from the second floor of our house and I’ve been afraid of heights ever since.”

“You’re telling me a guy that looks as manly as you do, is afraid of falling?”

“Hey, it was traumatizing, okay? I broke, like, nine bones.” 

“That’s it…” I wiped my hands clean and held it out for Nolan to take. 

He was reluctant. “What are you doing?”

“We still have one more ride before we leave.” I jerked my hand again to emphasize my impatience.

He knew exactly where we were going. “Harper, it’s been well over an hour, we need to head back on our way.”

“Uh uh.” I shook my head and grabbed Nolan’s hand the same way an irritated mother would grab the hand of a child throwing a temper tantrum in public. “We’re doing this. We’re going on the ferris wheel. I’m going to get you over your fear whether you like it or not.”

“Harper.” He pleaded, but eventually I was able to drag him into the line for the ride. I was trying hard to hold in my laughter by curling my lips in. “You’re getting way too much joy out of this.” 

It was finally our turn. I watched him as he tried to play it cool. The expression on his face was completely unbothered. His chest rose and slowly dropped with each breath. After a couple of consecutive rounds the ferris wheel jolted as it came to a stop at the top. Nolan grabbed my hand and squeezed it without realizing. I held my other hand over his to comfort him. 

“It’s okay, Nolan.” I whispered.

He laughed. “This just striped me of my manhood didn’t it?”

“It didn’t.” I looked over at him and stared straight into his eyes. “I’m afraid of a lot of things. Bugs, being alone in the dark, swimming in the ocean. The list can go on and on. But, one thing I was really afraid of was letting people into my life. I didn’t want anyone to know the real me. The one that’s filled with doubts and regrets. That’s why I was so mean to you when we first met. I couldn’t have another person pity me for my failures. I was so incredibility scared to open up to you last night, but when I finally did you made me feel, so…” Nolan’s grip on my hand was slowly beginning to loosen. “…comforted, and accepted, and just, like I had been scared for no reason. I finally faced my fears and that was really the only way I could get over the pain of not knowing.”

Nolan took in another deep breath and exhaled. 

“It’s okay, Nolan.” I looked over our cart and down below us. “We’re literally only, like, twenty feet off the ground.” 

He furrowed his brows and slowly crept over to see the view. “You’re right. It’s not so bad.” He smiled. “It seemed a lot higher when…”

“When you were afraid?”

Nolan leaned back over to face me. "Thanks," the corner of his mouth curled up. "I wouldn't have done this if it weren't for you."

His hand turned beneath mine. We both looked down as our hands met palm to palm and our fingers interlocked. It felt so organic. 

The butterflies in my stomach from earlier were no where to be found. I wasn’t feeling nervous or scared, or anything that I’d felt up until this moment, except that I was exactly where I was suppose to be. 

Nolan brought his face closer to mine. Our foreheads rested gently against one another until I leaned my mouth forward and kissed him. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me in close when he realized this was something that I’d wanted just as much as him. 

We were so consumed with one another that If it weren’t for the carnival worker who repeatedly cleared his throat to get our attention, we wouldn’t have even known that the ferris wheel had jolted back on and brought us down to end our ride. 

Chapter Ten

Dear Diary,

Did I just write dear diary? What am I? A 12 year old girl obsessing over her new found love for the opposite sex? Gross. 

I don’t even know where to begin. Things between Nolan and I are starting to pick up. Maybe Alexander Nottingham was actually on to something when he came up with these questions. Each new answer is like a brisk wind that’s causing the tides to rise. I have to keep reminding myself that this is just an experiment. 

Maybe writing it out a few times will help.

This is just an experiment.

This is just an experiment.

This is just an experiment.

It’s not like it would even work out between us. He’s a family oriented man from the South and I…I’m whatever the opposite of that is. Then again, this is the first time since I graduated college that I haven’t actually thought about my long term goal. Yet, I imagine myself sitting on a porch swing with Nolan as we stare out at a field of open air.

This is just an experiment.

This is just an experiment.

This is just an experiment.

Oh, God, that was close. It doesn’t help that he’s so easy on the eyes. His rugged features that make him look like he just finished doing some manual labor. His electric blue eyes that reek of innocence…

SNAP OUT OF IT HARPER!!!!

This is just an experiment!

This is just an experiment!

This is just an experiment!

It almost makes me wonder why he isn’t tied down already. Isn’t that like a Southern thing? Getting married while you’re young? 

I shut my notebook and opened up 21 Questions. I’d already done this ten times in the last hour, but I just wasn’t thrilled about today’s exercise. I had to spend a whole five minutes telling Nolan about my life story. I was avoiding doing this since day one. The less he knew about me the easier it would be for both of us. 

My eyes drifted off the pages of the book and in the distance ahead of me. Nolan and I had stopped at a rest stop so he could freshen up. We’d been driving all night and decided to pull over around dawn. I sat on a park bench as I waited for him. There was a forest of naked trees filled with fog that closely lined the damp earth. I wiggled my pen as my mind drifted into a day dream. 

“This is just an experiment.” I closed my eyes and whispered to myself.

“What’s an experiment.” I heard Nolan’s voice over my shoulder. My eyes flew wide open. I scrambled to close the book and stuff it back into my purse.

“Oh, nothing.” I avoided looking up at him as he walked around  the bench and sat down.

“Are you still reading that psychology book, or whatever it was?” Nolan asked as he pointed to my purse. This wasn’t the first time he’d caught me stuffing it into my bag at the last moment. 

“Yeah, yeah.” I nodded my head. 

“So, what’s the study about?” He turned towards me, interested, as his elbow leaned against the back of the bench. 

I curled my lips in and stared down at the ground for a moment while I tried to come up with something. “Women’s study…” I spoke loudly hoping to lose his interest. “You know, typical, women’s stuff…body functions, patterns, emotional stability. Things of that nature.”

“Oh,” Nolan’s brows flinched as he turned himself back forward. There was an awkward moment of silence before he stood back up. “Right, so are you ready?”

I forced a smile on my face even though my ears and cheeks were burning from embarrassment. I really had to be more careful about this book. I picked up my things and we headed back to the car. 

Nolan had another meeting and I decided to wait at a local coffee shop down the street. I didn’t know if I could manage to go through another tour of Fletcher’s by one of Nolan’s employees that didn’t know what else to do to keep me entertained.

As I walked into the coffee shop the ambiance of the place reminded me of Celeste. It was like I went back in time and I was walking into her coffee shop just like any other morning, but this time her friendly face wasn’t on the other side of the counter to greet me. Instead it was a heavy set man covered in tattoos. 

I ordered a Mocha Latte and snuggled into a corner booth. I knew exactly what I needed in that moment. I pulled out my phone and dialed Celeste.

“Harper Marie Stevens!!” Her voice boomed through the phone after only one ring. 

I laughed at her quick response. “Celeste, you don’t understand how much I miss you.”

“You could have called me, you know. If it weren’t for your check-ins on our messages I would be worried sick about you.”

“I’m sorry. It’s been hard with Nolan around.” I caught her up on everything that had been going on. From being snowed into our hotel to faking car troubles in order to extend my trip. 

“Wait, I am talking to Harper, right? Because this doesn’t sound like you.”

“I know.” I gripped. “I don’t know what’s gotten in to me. I was rushing to get home to find a job and now I’m worried that this trip might be over too soon.”

Celeste giggled. “I think it’s working.”

“What?”

“You know,” she giggled again. “The questions.”

“Not really.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just nervous I won’t have enough material by the time we part ways.”

“Mmm,” She mumbled. “Or, you’re nervous because you know something is starting to brew.”

“Oh, wow, nice one Celeste. Nice coffee pun. I’m glad you’re taking this seriously.”

 “I can’t help it Harp. You can deny it all you want, but I’ve never seen you like this. So enthusiastic about a man.” she repeated herself louder, “A MAN!” I couldn’t help but smirk. Celeste was so soft spoken even her shouts sounded like a normal tone. “How many years did we spend together going to bars and dancing and you never once showed an interest in anyone.” She stopped abruptly and then quietly mumbled to herself. “Screw it, I’m just going to say it. Forget the book Harper! Maybe he’s the change you need in your life.”

“You’re such a hopeless romantic. Can’t you see this is all just part of the story? None of this is real. It’s all fabricated by an old British dude who decided to teach people how to manipulate others into loving them.”

She sighed a deep and heavy sigh. “Suit yourself. But, don’t come crying to me when you realize you’ve been lying to yourself by prioritizing work over a relationship yet again.”

A couple hours had passed before Nolan came by to pick me up.

“Guess what?” He asked as I opened the car door. “My next meeting got cancelled.” He seemed to be thrilled about it. “We’d have to travel 100 miles out of the way, so at least now I can go straight to the next city which is actually closer. I’m sure I can move up the meeting time and we’ll be able to cut this thing a day shorter.”

I leaned my head back onto the head rest and closed my eyes. 

“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to be home sooner.” 

“Oh, I am.” What I really wanted to do was just spill the truth, but if I couldn’t even admit it to my best friend how was I possibly going to say it to Nolan? “The coffee just has me feeling a little weird. Do you mind if we take a walk?” 

Nolan switched his car back into park as he gave me an uneasy look. “Sure.”

We both jumped out of the truck and walked pass the shopping complex to a small park in the distance. I wasn’t sure what time it was, but it must have been early in the evening by the amount of children flocking around the swing sets. 

Nolan and I continued to walk down a paved pathway that weaved in and out of a forest. This one was a little more lush than the one at the rest stop. It even had a small creek that ran through it. Occasionally a runner, or two, would pass us by.

“Sometimes I wonder how different my life could have been if I’d just listened to my parents.” Nolan looked over his shoulder at me. I could tell I had caught him off guard. We’d been walking in silence until this moment. As much as I didn’t want to tell him about myself, I felt a sudden urge to let it out after talking to Celeste. He could tell I was frustrated and just needed to vent, so he walked quietly next to me as he listened. “I was never really a popular kid growing up. I mean, I wasn’t unpopular either, but I guess you could say I kept to a smaller crowd. I always felt a little left out. Especially in middle school when everyone around me was changing.”

I stopped walking and held my hand in front of Nolan to stop him too. Off the pathway that we were walking on were large stones planted in the dirt leading up a hill. “You wanna see where this goes?”

“Sure.” Nolan shrugged.

We walked up the path, pushing low hanging branches out of our way. “Anyway, it wasn’t until Freshman year of high school that I began writing. It was a way to express myself when I had no one to talk to.”

Nolan was already at the top of the stone steps holding out his hand for me to pull myself up with. The makeshift pathway curved around the hill and lead in to the forest and ran along the creek.

“My parents encouraged me at first, but then senior year came around and suddenly they realized I was taking this whole thing too seriously. They wanted me to take a more practical path. I went to one of the best colleges in the country and graduated from one of the most intensive writing programs, and you know what? They still think I wasted my money.”

I knew Nolan wanted to say something, I could tell by the look on his face, but he stopped himself and continued to listen.

I sighed heavily as I was about to say the words I’d been avoiding for so long. “That’s why I moved to L.A. It wasn’t for a better opportunity. It was because I thought if I moved across the country they would take me more seriously. I’ve spent my entire college and post college life pushing people away just to keep myself from getting distracted. For what?”

We’d come to a dead end. The dirt path that we were following was no longer there. Nolan nudged his head and I looked over in the distance to see the creek. There were large stones lines up next to it. We walked through the mulch and tip toed onto the rocks.

“They were right. This whole time they were right. It wasn’t a suitable career. It was a waste of money. I’m in more debt than I was after I graduated college.” My hands gripped onto my temples as the realizations began to flood my mind. “I couldn’t even prove them wrong.”

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. 

Nolan stopped on a flat rock and turned around to face me. His hand gently wiped away the tear on my cheek. “Things happen for a reason.” He spoke softly. “If it’s something you enjoy doing then don’t stop just because of the naysayers. You never know, this journey might be the one that leads you to success.”

My stomach tightened hearing Nolan’s words. I was on an honest binge and I just wanted to tell him my intentions, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to do it.

Instead I continued to lead the way. A ten minute walk to clear my brain had turned into almost two hours. I was determined to make it to the top of the hill even if the sun had already set and all of it’s orange hues were out of sight. If it were up to Nolan he would have turned around a long time ago. I could tell he was just doing this for my sake. To prove to me that I could finish something that I’d started.

“Look!” Nolan pointed up ahead. “We made it!” He smiled and held my hand as he pulled me along the way. 

“This is amazing.” I admired the view of the city.

“That was a tough hike, but this was so worth it.” He hinted at me as he plopped himself on the ground and laid back. He rested a hand behind his head as he pointed up towards the sky with his other. “Look, Orion’s belt.” He smiled. I looked up to see the stars twinkling just as bright as the city below. “Come here.” He gesture for me to lay next to him. I hesitated at first. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He laughed. 

Nolan extended out his arm for me to lay my head on. We stared up at the stars and connected the constellations. 

“Look a duck!” He pointed. 

I laughed. “I don’t see it. You’re just making things up.” I turned to look at Nolan. His eyes met mine just before he kissed me on my forehead.