Chapter Eleven

I was anxiously pacing back and forth in our hotel bathroom rehearsing how I would act in front of Nolan. 

I stopped in front of the mirror and straddled my hands over the sink. My wrists were turning a pale white from the pressure of my tight grip. The color rushed back as I stared in the mirror, took a deep breath, and relaxed. 

My eyes drifted off into space and suddenly I was reliving the night before. Nolan and I were snuggled up on top of a hill counting stars. My heart was racing when he pulled me in closer for warmth. Maybe I was the one starting to form these feelings, but Nolan was the one to lean in and kiss me on my forehead. It just complicated everything. Was he trying to tell me that he liked me? He knew I was having a rough day. That could have easily been his way of comforting me. A strange and confusing way nonetheless. 

There was no way I was going to guilt myself into not writing this article. With each passing day I was gathering more and more information and it was actually turning into something. Something good. The only way this would work is if I stayed unattached.

“This is just an experiment.” I whispered as I stared at myself in the mirror. I turned on the cold water and splashed it over my face.

There was a knock on the hotel room door. I wiped myself off with a towel and threw on my robe. 

“Hey, there’s a pretty nice breakfast buffet downstairs. You wanna go grab something to eat?” Nolan asked as he stood in the doorway of our connecting room. I was half way hidden behind the door. His eyes slowly trailed down to my robe. “I’m so sorry. Do you need a minute?” He asked as he turned back into his room. 

“Yeah, no, sorry.” I closed the door a little as I spoke through the crack. “Breakfast sounds good. I’ll be down there in a minute.” I shut the door and leaned my back against it. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that a part of me wanted him to come into my room and whisk me away. 

I knew the only thing that would help me was writing it out. I jumped onto my bed and pulled out my notebook and pen. 

Dear Diary,

 I don’t like Nolan. I’m strictly doing this for an article. 

I tapped my pen rapidly as I tried to come up with things I could write that would make me believe them. 

He is absolutely not my type. He runs away from his problems and is afraid to settle. No wonder he chose to stick with his family business. It’s just a viable excuse to be like his mother.

I held the pen over my last sentence. It was pretty mean and so unlike me. I wanted to scratch it out. I’d taken it a little too far, but writing it did calm the butterflies in my stomach. I hesitated before I dropped my pen and closed my notebook. 

I quickly got dressed and headed downstairs. Nolan was sitting at a table waiting for me. I took another deep breath before I approached him and convinced myself that I was ready to hear what he had to say about the night before.

“Are you ready to eat?” He asked as he stood up from his chair. He was completely uninterested in my presence and more intrigued by the fresh pancakes the chef in the dining hall was making.

It was just a comforting kiss nothing more, Harper. A smile stretched across my face as I realized I was reading way too deep into the whole thing. 

Nolan didn’t mention anything about the night before. Not at breakfast or on our drive over to the next city. It was almost a little worrying. This whole time I was assuming the questions were working, but by his lack of attention I really wasn’t sure anymore. 

It was late in the afternoon when we finally pulled over to get gas. I stepped out of the truck to stretch my legs as I waited for Nolan. It was a hipster neighborhood surrounded by a lively city. I wasn’t sure where we were exactly, but it was beautifully busy. 

“Harp!” Nolan shouted from the distance. I looked over to see him gesturing for me to come back. 

He stood next to his truck as he waited. I made a slow jog over when I heard cheers and muffled lullaby-like music from the distance. I looked around to see where it was coming from, but there was nothing in sight. “Do you hear that?” I asked Nolan.

He looked around confused as to what I was hearing. “What exactly?”

“Listen.” We stood quietly for a minute before the screams came from the distance again.

We exchanged the same dumbfounded expression. Nolan turned around to figure out where the noise was coming from. There was nothing in our immediate view. We heard the noise again. This time it was obviously coming from the other side of the gas station. We walked around the back of the building to find a carnival set up in an empty mall parking lot across the highway. 

“It’s a kiddie fair.” Nolan exhaled. “Thank God, I was starting to think we were going crazy.” He laughed as he spun himself around and began walking back to his truck. “Come on, we’re in the homestretch!” 

I stood eerily still when I heard his words. I couldn’t believe our journey was almost coming to an end. This whole trip I thought Nolan was going to fall head over heels for me and that I’d be the one to leave him behind. It wasn’t like that at all. Instead I was battling my feelings and denying that each of his answers to my questions were only drawing me closer. I was desperately trying to find any distraction I could to spend a few moments with him, not because of this stupid article, but because for once I was finally starting to realize that each moment I’ve spent with Nolan so far has been better than any other moment in my life.

Nolan turned around when he noticed I wasn’t walking next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Let’s go.” I nudged my head back.

“To the kiddie fair?” He gave me a questionable look before he shook his head. “No, no, no, no.”

“Why not? You said we’re almost home, didn’t you? What’s an hour, tops, at the fair going to do?”

He looked down at his watch before slipping his hand behind his head. He grazed over his hair and rubbed the back of his neck as he exhaled, “fine. One hour. Anything longer is going to throw us off track.”

We jumped into Nolan’s truck and headed over the highway to the carnival. It seemed a lot cooler from where we were standing earlier. As we walked up to the gate I realized that Nolan was right. It was geared towards children, or anyone under five foot tall for that matter. 

Nolan gave me a look as if to ask if we were really going to do this. I smiled as I took the tickets from the attendant and pranced through the gates. 

We started off with bumper cars. They were so tiny that I just barely fit inside. Nolan on the other hand was jammed up against his steering wheel with his knees towering out the sides of his car. The other children in the rink and I decided he was an easy target and we made it our mission to solely bump his car around until he’d lost full control. From there we went on one spinning ride to the next. Of course being a children’s ride it didn’t go faster than five miles per hour, but the amusement was more in our uncontrollable laughter at how ridiculous this whole thing was.

We played some of the carnival games and won so many times that the carnival workers refused to give us our prizes. Something about how the games were designed for children to win and that it was unfair of us to sweep them clean. So, we unwillingly donated them all back and grabbed a stick of cotton candy instead. 

“Okay, I’m not gonna lie.” Nolan said as we sat down at a picnic table. “Despite the sizing issue, this was actually kinda fun.” 

I plucked off a piece of cotton candy and let it melt in my mouth. “It’s just one more adventure we can add to our list.” 

“This has been an adventure, hasn’t it?” Nolan asked himself out loud. 

“Isn’t that what you said when we first met? You travel by road in hopes to take the wrong turn.”

Nolan laughed. He ate a piece of cotton candy and then laughed again. “Well, that isn’t entirely the reason. I’m actually afraid of flying.” His cheeked flushed pink as he admitted it. 

I sat quietly as I stared at him. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s not exactly something you share right off the bat.” He shook his head. “But, when I was younger I fell from the second floor of our house and I’ve been afraid of heights ever since.”

“You’re telling me a guy that looks as manly as you do, is afraid of falling?”

“Hey, it was traumatizing, okay? I broke, like, nine bones.” 

“That’s it…” I wiped my hands clean and held it out for Nolan to take. 

He was reluctant. “What are you doing?”

“We still have one more ride before we leave.” I jerked my hand again to emphasize my impatience.

He knew exactly where we were going. “Harper, it’s been well over an hour, we need to head back on our way.”

“Uh uh.” I shook my head and grabbed Nolan’s hand the same way an irritated mother would grab the hand of a child throwing a temper tantrum in public. “We’re doing this. We’re going on the ferris wheel. I’m going to get you over your fear whether you like it or not.”

“Harper.” He pleaded, but eventually I was able to drag him into the line for the ride. I was trying hard to hold in my laughter by curling my lips in. “You’re getting way too much joy out of this.” 

It was finally our turn. I watched him as he tried to play it cool. The expression on his face was completely unbothered. His chest rose and slowly dropped with each breath. After a couple of consecutive rounds the ferris wheel jolted as it came to a stop at the top. Nolan grabbed my hand and squeezed it without realizing. I held my other hand over his to comfort him. 

“It’s okay, Nolan.” I whispered.

He laughed. “This just striped me of my manhood didn’t it?”

“It didn’t.” I looked over at him and stared straight into his eyes. “I’m afraid of a lot of things. Bugs, being alone in the dark, swimming in the ocean. The list can go on and on. But, one thing I was really afraid of was letting people into my life. I didn’t want anyone to know the real me. The one that’s filled with doubts and regrets. That’s why I was so mean to you when we first met. I couldn’t have another person pity me for my failures. I was so incredibility scared to open up to you last night, but when I finally did you made me feel, so…” Nolan’s grip on my hand was slowly beginning to loosen. “…comforted, and accepted, and just, like I had been scared for no reason. I finally faced my fears and that was really the only way I could get over the pain of not knowing.”

Nolan took in another deep breath and exhaled. 

“It’s okay, Nolan.” I looked over our cart and down below us. “We’re literally only, like, twenty feet off the ground.” 

He furrowed his brows and slowly crept over to see the view. “You’re right. It’s not so bad.” He smiled. “It seemed a lot higher when…”

“When you were afraid?”

Nolan leaned back over to face me. "Thanks," the corner of his mouth curled up. "I wouldn't have done this if it weren't for you."

His hand turned beneath mine. We both looked down as our hands met palm to palm and our fingers interlocked. It felt so organic. 

The butterflies in my stomach from earlier were no where to be found. I wasn’t feeling nervous or scared, or anything that I’d felt up until this moment, except that I was exactly where I was suppose to be. 

Nolan brought his face closer to mine. Our foreheads rested gently against one another until I leaned my mouth forward and kissed him. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me in close when he realized this was something that I’d wanted just as much as him. 

We were so consumed with one another that If it weren’t for the carnival worker who repeatedly cleared his throat to get our attention, we wouldn’t have even known that the ferris wheel had jolted back on and brought us down to end our ride.