Chapter Thirteen

Dear Diary,

I’m not quite sure what the purpose of this journal is anymore. I’ve frantically scribbled on pages and pages with vital information for my article, but now it all seems so useless. I would be lying to myself if I said I wanted to trash the whole thing. I’m not quiet sure how things with Nolan will turn out. Am I falling victim to temporary feelings or do I actually think this might go somewhere? I guess time will tell. Until then I still have two more questions to finish this shit.

I closed my notebook and laid back on my bed. Nolan and I had stopped at a bed and breakfast earlier this morning. We decided to stay in separate rooms, as we had been doing most of the trip, so we could really understand where our feelings lied. 

There was another couple staying here that we briefly met after checking in. They were celebrating their forty year wedding anniversary. I could have sworn they were on their honeymoon by the way their bodies spoke to one another. 

It’s been a couple of hours now and I still haven’t heard from Nolan. There hasn’t been a knock on my door or a ring on my phone. I figured he was cooped away like I was, afraid to make the first move. I couldn’t quiet understand what was going on. Internally, I mean. I had suddenly found myself attracted to him, nervous to let him know, calm when we finally kissed, and now? Now, I was worried. 

I kept trying to tell myself I was feeling weird because I hadn’t been in this situation in…well let’s not count numbers, but it definitely had been some time. I hadn’t let myself feel any emotions towards the opposite sex and now here I was completely engulfed. Did it scare me even more that this was happening in the moment of time when my life rapidly tumbling down hill?  Of course it did. But, maybe this was what I needed to keep my mind off of reality for the time being. 

I guess my problem was that I kept imagining the bigger picture. What would life be like with Nolan after this trip was over? I honestly couldn’t tell you, but I sure as hell had a million and one scenarios of our future already planned in my head. Ugh, the struggles of being female.

A long continuous stream of air filled my lungs as my eyes shut. I kept it trapped within my lungs before gently pushing it out through my nostrils. Just a subtle reminder that I needed to forget about the future and focus on what was happening now. 

My eyes blinked open and I sprung out of bed. I remembered seeing a small library nook as we walked into the bed and breakfast. Maybe I could indulge myself in a book and stop my mind from wandering. 

It was a little strange to see the place so empty. Then again, we were out in the middle of nowhere. I’d never really experienced a real bed and breakfast. It was just like staying in someone’s home, only with a waiting staff. The place was nice and cozy and the Tudor-style architecture really added to it’s charm. 

I walked down the stairs, admiring the intricate carvings on the wooden rails, and around the corner into the library nook. It wasn’t much, just three tall shelves with a sign that read, “TRADING BOOKS IS WELCOMED AS WELL AS DONATIONS. PLEASE ENJOY!”

My fingers ran down the binding of the books as I tried to find one I’d be interested in. I stopped abruptly when I noticed a sequel to a book Celeste had at her coffee shop. I pulled it out, making sure no one had walked into the room, and hid the cover with my hand. It was one of those gushy chick lit books that I would be too humiliated to actually admit I’ve read. 

I snuggled into the window bench and flipped open the book.

My mind was completely lost in this fictional world that I hadn’t even noticed someone walk into the room.

“Hi,” Nolan’s voice carried in from the doorway. I shut the book, held my hand over the cover, and sat up straight. He smiled as he walked over to me, entertained by my unusual behavior. 

“Hey,” I smiled back. My hand crept slowly as I tried to push the book between my leg and the wall.

The skin between his eyes wrinkled as he squinted. “Is there a reason you always hide the book you’re reading when you see me?” The tension from his face released as he let out a slight laugh. 

He stood with his arms crossed leaning against the post. I exhaled, dropping my chest in defeat, as I picked up the book. “I was embarrassed that you might judge me.”

Nolan walked over, arms still folded, before he reached forward and took the book from my hands. His lips curled in as he examined it. “Why would I judge you for reading this?” He flipped it over to the back. “Isn’t it targeted for women?”

“Well, yeah, but…” He had me there. 

“But, you just want to seem like one of those smart girls who only reads smart books?” He raised his eyebrow with a smirk on his face as he handed it back to me.

“I guess.” I laughed as I shook my head with relief. I was so conceived with the idea of how I was portrayed that I’d let an unreal persona take over. I’d eventually grown adjusted to it hoping people would take me more seriously and that’s where I’d lost myself. It was in between those short words that I realized Nolan saw through the whole act. He saw me for me, something no one had ever really done before, not even Celeste. 

“My best friend in L.A owned a coffee shop that I would go to everyday to work on my writing. She was always bringing in new books to stock up the shop with. It was still the beginning of our friendship, so we were just starting to learn about each other.” I held up the book “She said this series was one of her absolute favorites. I put on this whole charades about how it was garbage and that I’d never waste my time reading it. I think I acted that way because up until that point she’d only handed me non-fictional pieces about the economy and government, and well, you know, ‘smart’ stuff. That’s the validation I wanted when I left home after college and I wanted to do whatever it took to stick with it. Meanwhile, I read a few pages which turned into chapters and before I knew it was finished.”

“Let me guess,” Nolan sat on the cushioned window bench next to me. “You loved it.”

“I did.” I nodded my head as I laughed. “I loved it so much I wanted to keep reading the rest of the series. Of course, I couldn’t admit it to her…”

“Of course.” Nolan jokingly mocked.

“She only had the first book of the series so I was never able to get my hands on the rest until now.”

“You didn’t think to go to the library?” 

“They have those in L.A?” I asked sarcastically.

“Touche.” Nolan’s shoulder bumped against mine. “I think you’re a pretty smart girl regardless.”

A tingling sensation erupted on the corners of my lips causing a cheesy grin.

“I mean, you have done some questionable things since I’ve met you, but still a smart girl.” He teased. 

“The only questionable thing I’ve done is fall for this whole scheme of yours.” I smiled as I bumped my shoulder against Nolan’s before I stood up.

He grabbed my hand to stop me. “You mean your whole scheme.”

“Oh, come on.” I laughed. “You totally knew this was going to happen when you saw a poor young lady parked on the side of the road.”

“Bless your heart.” Nolan said as he emphasized a heavy Southern accent. He tugged my arm and suddenly my hands were on his shoulders as he looked up at me. “I was just being the gentleman I was raised to be.” The air filled with silence as we looked into each other’s eyes. Neither one of us was capable of continuing the conversation and the realization made us laugh nervously. 

Our attention diverted to the shuffling of footsteps coming down the stairs. I pulled away from Nolan and grabbed the book. I didn’t want whoever was coming to see Nolan and I having an intimate moment. I walked back to the shelf to put the book away when the couple from earlier walked in.

“Oh, hey, you two.” The woman smiled at us as she rummaged through her bag. Her blonde hair was done up exposing the string of pearls laced around her neck. She pulled out a perfume bottom and spritz herself causing the room to smell of sandalwood. 

“We were just headed out to have lunch at the country club. Would you two like to join us?”

Nolan and I looked at each other and shrugged. “Sure, why not.” 

“Great! I’m Marty, by the way, and this is my wife Jean.” They held out their hands.

After we all introduced ourselves we headed back upstairs to get ready before going to the country club.

Even though it was quiet a distance away from the bed and breakfast, Marty and Jean had so much to talk about that we didn’t even realize the time passing. After lunch Marty and Nolan decided to play golf while Jean and I enjoyed some sweet tea and lemonade as we watched. 

“So, why aren’t you two together?” She looked at me from the corner of her eye with a grin on her face.

I blushed. “We’re trying to figure it out. We’ve just barely met. Besides he lives down South and I live up North.”

“And…” She waited for me to finish.

“And…long distance wouldn't work.” I shrugged.

She let out a single, “ha!” before she took another sip of her tea. “You think opposite directions on the same coast is far? Marty and I dated while he was in Seattle and I was in Florida. Our fathers both came to this very country club for a big golf tournament and that’s when we met. We'd only spent the three day weekend with each other before we had to go back home.”

“Wow,” I looked at her amazed. “So this is where it started.”

“Exactly. And we didn’t let a little distance get in the way. You kids now and days are just about your iPhones and social media and everything has to be here and now.” She leaned in close as she continued. “There’s a strong energy around the both of you. I wouldn’t just pass on this opportunity because of distance if I were you, darling.”

She rocked back into her chair when Marty and Nolan walked over to us. Marty decided to sit out for a few rounds, so Nolan took me around the course to teach me how to play. Maybe it was because of how terrible I was, but by the time we made it through the entire course the sun had already set. We decided to stay for dinner and enjoyed a few drinks before. Marty and Jean had a lot of friends there that kept us busy. It was late by the time we made it to the bed and breakfast.

Nolan and I stood outside of his room. A single goodnight kiss lead to many more. He opened his door gesturing for me to come inside, but I pulled away. “I…I think we should wait, you know, when we’re sober.”

“You’re right.” Nolan agreed. “I’m sorry.”

I left back to my room to get ready for bed. I’d left a huge mess earlier and decided to clean it up before I fell asleep. As I crawled into bed I felt something hard beneath the sheets. I rolled over to find 21 Questions. I must have forgotten to put it back earlier. The edge of my thumb flipped through the pages causing a gust of air to blow on my face. It made me think back to when Nolan and I were hiking in the park a few days ago and how he tucked my hair behind my ear. 

Jean might have been on to something. The more I was getting to know Nolan, the more I liked him. I shouldn’t let some stupid book ruin everything. I hopped out of my bed, grabbed the book, and tip toed out of my room. One step at a time, I stealthily walked down the creaky stairs and into the library nook. My eyes skimmed through the rows until I found the book I’d been reading earlier. I pulled it out and replaced it with 21 Questions. It felt liberating. Almost as if I were choosing to leave the heavy weight of guilt behind. 

I smiled as I clenched the book to my chest and tip toed back to my room.